Lessons

Fear Disguised as Doubt

“Strive: Like you know, prisons are man-made but minds are God-made”  Miles Hodges and Carvens Lissaint

I struggle with fear and doubt, they haunt me at the most random times when my defenses are low and I’m not affirming myself. This has something to do with my penchant for perfection that I’m working on and to be frank it’s really friggin annoying. I’ve become so good at letting fear and doubt control me and make my decisions that the plans I make in my head because of them are super convincing and rational. The past couple months I’ve been struggling with putting my grad school applications together (ie. not doing much to finish them) and today this little voice in my head said “What if you don’t apply this year?”. And I seriously considered it to where I was completely sure that that was the better option for me because in order for my application to be good enough maybe I should wait. I also kept thinking “What if this is just me doubting God?”.

The programs I am applying to are quite selective and I don’t think it scares me as much as I internally doubt that I’ll get in. And as routine goes, I struggle with doing things I don’t believe will be perfect or successful. Here’s the thing  though I absolutely know that even with a perfect application, because of my struggles in college I’ll still need a little pixie dust and God’s grace to get in. Still I sat down and contemplated not even trying at all but, somehow the fighter in came out and reminded me of this season’s affirmation: You Can Do This, No Really, You. Can. Do. This. I’ve gone back and forth all afternoon and even looked at the deadlines again to help me realize that I really can do this. When I opened my homepage SheReadsTruth was on a weekly truth that even though I haven’t consistently read my bible in months I clicked on. Of course the memory scripture for this week was:

“Haven’t I commanded you: be strong and courageous?
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lᴏʀᴅ your God is with you wherever you go.”
—Joshua 1:9

How Fitting? I wrote this to say, if you’re doubting yourself, keep pushing and doubt your doubts. They are weak and will disguise themselves as fear disguised as something rational. They are not. And even if they are a bit rational, there is nothing rational about the life we are called to live. I can promise you without a doubt that the life you want is anything but rational, love yourself enough to not put yourself in a rational box (learn from me). Love Yourself Enough To Not Put Your Dreams In A Box. There is nothing rational about love! Be love. And let God or the universe or whatever magical entity that puts life together handle the rest, at least try. I absolutely can do this, it will be hard and it may even suck but it will be good practice for school. You can do this too.

-Daleesa, Darling

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